Good Times, Off Mental State

25 May

A personal post, for a change. Despite the fact that I’ve turned this into a ‘project blog’, per se, that’s not to say I can’t post personal things to it as well. I mean honestly, I make the rules here, so why not?

That said, I’m in a really good place right now, but not benefitting very much from my current mental state. Let’s capture the highlights.

Work: I’ve gone from the steamroller style ‘get-er-done’ mentality to the realization that there are better jobs out there. In fact, the call from a headhunter I got and the jobs that were offered worked out fantastically, and I now start a new job on June 14th. Fabulous! I’m not kidding, there’s actually a laundry list of challenges and advantages to this gig, despite starting off at a little lower salary, that I’m actually looking forward to. I’ve already notified my work, and the next few weeks should be a process of finalizing my involvement with my current company.

Home: I guess I can do this all in one. Over the weekend, I had a startling amount of motivation to do stuff. Not only did I post stuff I don’t use anymore to Craigslist ($44 of which I’ll have sold by Friday), but I’ve also organized and sorted the stuff I have yet to post as well as the stuff I’m keeping. Additionally, I’ve gone through and organized my electronic goods, none of which is yet posted to Craigslist, but at the very least is tidy now. Over the last week or so, I’ve completely cleaned up my computer, and the last stragglers of backup CDs and DVDs are yet to be cleared out, which will leave my ‘home office’ in a very pristine and zen state, which hopefully is perfect for working. I’ve also swapped out Firefox for Opera, which has apparently been a very good decision. I replaced three other software packages with the Opera browser, as I can pack IRC, email management, and a browser all into one install. The only complaint I would have is that (mysteriously) my old Gmail account seems to keep sending Opera the same email twice. I’m planning on nixing the account anyways in the near future, so it shouldn’t matter for long.

Relationships: I’m in a good space relationship-wise. W is spending more time at the apartment, and C is as supportive and there-for-me as ever. I’ve had some issues with mental state (which I’ll touch on later), but she’s been incredibly understanding and patient with me, even though sometimes I feel that I don’t deserve it. I have some extremely valuable friendships with M and L, although any thoughts of more are met with conflicting standpoints internally.

Health: Exercise has its ebbs and flows, but I’m definitely physically pushing myself, if only by running around the apartment until all hours of the evening. Healthy eating is on a definite upswing, but I’ve yet to track specific calories or such, as more info

I’m trying to focus on the types of food and the average portion first, and then restriction second. I’m not sure if restriction would be the best way either, as I react negatively to things that are negative by nature. Fancy that. As for psychological health, I’m powering on with therapy appointments and clinging heavily to them. I value them more than they are worth, but that’s because they motivate me and make me realize things that I likely wouldn’t otherwise. Having someone to meet me at the end of the week and say “I am very pleased to see you looking even more positive than last week!” is worth the $35 alone. Heck, he even said I was noticibly losing weight on Saturday, so maybe I am. I’ve abandoned naturopathy (for the moment) primarily because it seems like I just don’t need it. Even though I’m off of most of the vitamins and supplements I was on prior to the break (and the switch to a new intern), I seem to have only improved as opposed to slumped back into the way things were. Anxiety is much less, positive outlooks are easier to grab hold of, and I find myself motivated more often.

Mental State: Here we go. The good is always balanced by the not-so-good. I won’t call it bad, because quite frankly it’s not. Lately, I’ve been finding myself lonely beyond a logical cause. I am not alone, but I am lonely. The two are distinctly separate. I find myself reaching towards potential relationships, only to slap my hands back when and if I realize that I’m pushing too far. I have control over myself, but not over how I feel, it would appear. It feels like I’m surging with creative or sexual energies (the two are intermingled, Sacreddragonfly from Ecstasy in the Everyday would be none too surprised to read that), but the outlet is damaged or broken. It leaks out in fits and bursts, allowing little to form as a result. There’s not enough to drive me farther than the focuses I have, but there’s too much to expose to any one person. My existing relationships in which such a creative or sexual energy could best be used are full of other emotional complexities, and it almost feels like I am focusing these energies on something that already looks beautiful, or on something that I’ve already spent so much effort on. I want a new canvas, a fresh energy, something different. That doesn’t mean I love the original picture any less, even though sometimes it feels like it might. An unusual conflicting parallel of emotion to be sure.

So here I sit, wrapping up my current employment, moving on to a fresh and unknown future with new challenges and new opportunities, sifting through the mess of emotion I’m dealing with right now. I’m ready for it. Completely ready. Let’s see where it takes me.

~ Aiden

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